Thursday, 18 December 2014

Today's Daily Brain Teaser (Dec 19, 2014)

DWESTD



Can you decipher this?



DDDDDDDDDD

DDDWESTDDD

DDDDDDDDDD





Check Braingle.com for the answer.





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News Punch Christmas Special 2014

Christmas is coming, like the relentless wave of immigrants that UKIP keep threatening us about, and News Punch is back with a festive special! So drink and be merry, the way Nigel Farage does every single working day.



We all love a Christmas dinner, but it is a cruel fate for many a bird. Brian May of Queen has lashed out at Oxfordshire's Jack FM for their, 'keep it or cook it' poll involving the destiny of two turkeys. News Punch finds it interesting that a man with a dead badger wig on his head denounces cock culling & fails to see the irony. @Charisma_Effect



Anyway Here's Brian May's guide to a cruelty free Christmas:



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Photo credit: Rachael Towne / Foter / CC BY-NC



Contributers: @Charisma_Effect (1) (2) , @AndyGilder, (1) (2) and @Funk_Pump




THIS JUST IN: Queen to release a version of the Twelve Days of Christmas







They're hoping to take on Simon Cowell for the number one spot.



We here at News Punch have gained an exclusive leaked copy of the lyrics. (That's fully leaked, not with all the important bits redacted, like the CIA report) Here it is!



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Contributed by: @SquellWalsh (1) (2)



Christmas is all about giving. And what better gift could Richard Desmond give UKIP this year than £300,000 and a national mouthpiece in the form of the Daily Express? This mutual backslapping could lead to Mr. Desmond getting what he's always wanted: peerage in the House of Lords, so expect headlines like these for the coming election next year:



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Photo credit: slaup / Foter / CC BY-NC



Contributors: @Charisma_Effect, @AndyGilder (1) (2), @Individual35837



Lily Allen has caused a storm among Christians by opening her recent concert in a manger. There was shock as Lily Allen showed her 'Mary' live on-stage. @BadScentsHumour.



It's a promotional stunt to drum up interest in her experimental Christmas album. We have been granted exclusive access to the artwork and tracklisting:



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Title: @Charisma_Effect



Tracklisting:



1. I Saw Daddy Doing E with Santa Claus........................(@AndyGilder)

2. As long as I got Yule..............................................................(@Chuuew)

3. Santa is Coming Soon and I Think it's Really Mean..........(@KenArmstrong1)

4. Somewhere Only We Ho Ho Ho.................................(@Gaz_Cordery)

5. O Little town of LDN...............................................(@Gaz_Cordery)

6. A Bae In A Manger.................................................(@Charisma_Effect)

7. Naivety...............................................................(@Rejunevated)

8. Virgin On Heresy...................................................(@DubiousGenius)

9. Away With Ya, Minger!...........................................(@GI1970)





Photo credit: id-iom / Foter / CC BY-NC



Photo credit: rubyblossom. / Decor Love / CC BY-NC





Merry Christmas from News Punch!








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Got No Game? Here Are Some Top Tips to Impress the Ladies (From a Man Who Knows)

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'Make Girls BEG To Sleep With You After SHORT-CIRCUITING Their Emotional And Logical Mind Into A Million Reasons Why They Should...'



This is the first line of Julien Blanc's website, pimpmygame.com. One scrolls down to find terms such as 'validation stack,' 'social hook point,' and the 'four pillars of sex-worthiness,' all capitalised to assert their validity as if he were some sort of sexual guru Heidegger, which is a terrifying concept in itself. (Note: for the purposes of this post, I have made all the terms lower case in an attempt to undermine him).



He offers 13 hours of PURE RAW TRAINING for the very reasonable price of $5,481. This includes membership of the private Julien Facebook group which comes up as 'priceless' in the breakdown of prices, so we're talking about a real bargain here. I had to stop scrolling through the site, firstly because it felt like I was losing brain cells with every click of the mouse, but mainly because it filled me with despair. Here was a set of teachings that reduced interaction with women into some sort of game in which one had to be constantly aware of its mechanisms in order to achieve an ultimate goal. Through pseudo-psychological theories, men with no confidence are being told that they must constantly play mind games in order to talk to women, whilst paying $5,481 for the privilege of learning how to do so. Between Julien Blanc and Dapper Laughs, it seems we're facing a crisis where dating advice is concerned (and a crisis in general).



To counter this crisis, I have compiled a list of tips and techniques on how to chat up women based on a combination of Julien's own teachings and some field research/standing around awkwardly in nightclubs. The best bit is that it's absolutely free!



Lactose Validation Point



Julien Blanc's site boasts techniques on how to develop "panty dropping masculinity" through controlling one's "inner game". Apparently it's all about stimulating her emotionally, but I believe it comes down to how skimmed your milk is.



If you end up going for coffee, make sure that you order a latte with WHOLE MILK. Cave paintings found in the Indonesian Island of Sulawesi show men drinking milk straight from the buffalo, so a whole milk latte will show your date how similar you are to primal man.



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Crumb Assertion



When conversing with a woman, it's important to assert your masculinity through mind games. While she's talking, very subtly bring out a sourdough roll and place it on the table. This will let her know, through subliminal means, that you have what it takes to be a breadwinner, thus making her more likely to invest in you.



18th Century Negging Technique



Many have attempted to pick up women through negging, which has become somewhat of a global phenomenon since the publication of Neil Strauss' The Game. It is a technique where one attempts to undermine the woman's confidence through back handed comments and insults, thus making her vulnerable to one's advances. Those that have tried to neg and failed are making one vital error, and that is that their negging is not philosophically grounded. The 18th Century German philosopher Arthur Schopenhaur was one of the original existentialist lads, and his essay 'Of Women' is a great resource for negging methods.



So next time you're attempting to chat up a woman, why not use one of Arthur's smooth lines:



"One need only look at a woman's shape to discover that she is not intended for either too much mental or too much physical work."



"Women are directly adapted to act as the nurses and educators of our early childhood, for the simple reason that they themselves are childish, foolish, and short-sighted - in a word, are big children all their lives, something intermediate between the child and the man..."



"Moreover, she is intellectually short-sighted, for although her intuitive understanding quickly perceives what is near to her, on the other hand her circle of vision is limited and does not embrace anything that is remote... this is why they have greater inclination for extravagance, which sometimes borders on madness."







If she doesn't fall at your feet upon hearing these words, or "puts up a 'bitch shield", as Blanc would put it, then it's nothing personal - she probably just prefers the writings of Hegel.



Common First Date Error



We've all been there lads, when is the right time to reveal that you own all three Take That live DVDs? I made the mistake of mentioning it on a first date and I spent the next three days crying while singing Back for Good, wondering why she hadn't replied to my message. Heed my warning, wait till the third date at the earliest.



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The Wrong Game (Notes from the Field)



I did try one of Julien's techniques in the field, but I found that it didn't work so well for me. I was talking to a woman at a house party, and she was telling me about how she ate mince pies by scooping out the mincemeat, throwing it away and just eating the pastry. As a fan these festive treats, this was a heinous act, so I threatened to write up and publish a document exposing her pie eating wrongdoings. Needless to say, she wasn't impressed. Confused by the fact that she wasn't falling at my feet every time I slipped the word 'WikiLeaks' into the conversation, it dawned on me that I had in fact been getting dating advice from the other Julian that had been in the news that week (Assange).



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So there you have it, my top techniques for successfully talking to women. I'm currently putting together a series of lectures as well as ringing up ITV2 on a daily basis - I imagine I probably possess the right balance of banter and utter absurdity to get my own TV show on there.



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Monster Fiat

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Beast Mode

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What British People Say Vs What They Mean... At Christmas

We think all our fellow Brits will be able to relate to this...



british christmas



(Created for HuffPost UK Comedy by Handface, Amanda Wilkie and David Beresford)



SEE ALSO: 10 Ways To Have A Very British Christmas

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2014: The Year In (Funny) Pictures

A young man impersonated a police officer with an authentic-looking…

A young man impersonated a police officer with an authentic-looking uniform and car and then set up his own fake police station where he kept records of possible crimes and interrogated “suspects” who were handcuffed to a chair.






from Crazy Facts http://ift.tt/1zA52pb

Christine Maggiore was an activist with HIV who said it didn’t cause AIDS…

Christine Maggiore was an activist with HIV who said it didn’t cause AIDS. She convinced thousands of people not to test for AIDS and to have unprotected sex. When she got pregnant she didn’t use medication to prevent the risk of transmission; her daughter died at age 3. Maggiore died of AIDS.






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Cockroaches grown in space became quicker and stronger than…

Cockroaches grown in space became quicker and stronger than their terrestrial counterparts.






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Benjamin Franklin designed one of the first American coins, and instead…

Fugio_cent_cropped Benjamin Franklin designed one of the first American coins, and instead of saying “In God We Trust,” it said “Mind Your Business.”






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Three of Nigeria’s wealthiest pastors spent more than $60…

David-Oyedepo Three of Nigeria’s wealthiest pastors spent more than $60 million on private jets between March 2009 and March 2011.






from Crazy Facts http://ift.tt/1zA1gfw

A Prince Edward Island resident has sent out over 4,800 bottled…

Harold-Hackett A Prince Edward Island resident has sent out over 4,800 bottled messages into the Atlantic and has received more than 3,100 responses. He typically receives 150 Christmas cards from the people he’s contacted by bottle each year.






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House Syncs Its Christmas Lights To 'Star Wars' Music, And It's Amazing

There are houses decorated in Christmas lights. And there are houses decorated in Christmas lights like this.



Yes, we were impressed by this entire neighbourhood's elaborate Christmas son et lumière show.



But we're even more impressed with Tom BetGeorge's in Newark. Not least because it features a giant guitar and keyboard. And a drum kit.



The display is made up of 100,000 lights, and as BetGeroeg writes on YouTube: "If you look closely (especially during the Cantina song) the instruments are playing the real notes!"



"The beams can be seen for miles but I went out of my way to avoid shining the beams on houses and flight paths," he explains. "The neighbors are very supportive especially since I use the display to raise money for the poor and homeless through my church."



Nice work, Tom. And may the Force be with you.



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Brain Teaser 12/18/2014

Help Beethoven use these clues below to decipher these popular Christmas/Holiday tunes.

Example: A Triad of Monarchs

Answer: We Three Kings



1. Shiny grey chimes

2. Cherubim from areas of splendor

3. O petite metropolis where Jesus was born

4. The infant Saint Nick

5. It occurred on the bewitching hour

6. Chant we now of Jesus's birthday!

7. One little newborn

8. Seraphim we have perceived on elevation

Solution

||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

Edible Gifts - You name it, Find It Here





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Man Pops 30-Year-Old Pimple, Sprays His Wife With Horrible Pus

Please don't blame us if this makes you feel ill. Watch at your own risk.





This isn't easy watching, but it's weirdly worth it.



YouTuber Ryan Schmidt popped a cyst he's had for 30 years on camera, because that's apparently what people do nowadays.



The epidermoid cyst - which normally takes the form of a hard lump under the skin - was finally ready to burst after being on the man's leg for most of his life.



Voiding a huge amount of the smelly ooze, Schmidt sprayed streams of yellow pus all over his wife who was filming the emotional event.



Despite his wife's horror and the disgusting smell, Schmidt describes the relieving moment as "the greatest day of his life".



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The Final Episode Of 'Serial', According To Funny Or Die

It's the podcast that's gripped the nation. And elsewhere.



But now 'Serial' is reaching its climax. Today, in fact.



So who did it?



Allow Funny Or Die - and Michaela Watkins as Sarah Koenig - to explain.

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Whitney Beseler, Millionaire Contestant, Thinks Burger Rings Are Romantic Jewellery

A woman is gaining worldwide notoriety after cocking up an incredibly easy game show question.



Australian 'Who Want To Be A Millionaire: Hot Seat' contestant Whitney Beseler had to beg for a second chance after she fell at the first hurdle of the TV game show.



The PE teacher from Ballarat nervously suggested the Aussie snack Burger Rings were romantic jewellery.





They're actually crisps.





The introductory $100 question was: "Which of these is not a piece of jewellery commonly worn to symbolise a relationship between two people?"



Show host Eddie McGuire struggled to hold in his laughter when Beseler confidently answered "anniversary ring", seemingly unaware that the junk food was an option.



After locking in the answer and realising her mistake, she told McGuire: "That is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me."



Her request to start the show again was denied, but the producers still offered her a consolation prize - a bag of Burger Rings.



SEE ALSO:



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Cat Gives Dog A Relaxing Head Massage - The Translated Version

In which Chris Cohen (he of hilarious penguins vs rope fame) turns an animal massage into a hypnotherapy session.



SEE ALSO:







(Via Tastefully Offensive)



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Today in History for 18th December 2014

Historical Events


1642 - Abel Tasman's expedition sails around Farewell Spit and into Golden Bay, first sighting local Māori

1719 - Thomas Fleet publishes "Mother Goose's Melodies For Children"

1948 - Indonesia begins its 2nd political election

1958 - Niger gains autonomy within French Community (National Day)

1969 - US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site

1985 - UN Security Council unanimously condemns "acts of hostage-taking"


More Historical Events »


Famous Birthdays


1888 - Gladys Cooper, Lewisham England, actress (My Fair Lady)

1905 - Richard Sturzenegger, composer

1915 - Dario Mangiarotti, Italy, fencing, gold, 2 silver (Olympic-1948, 52)

1943 - Bobby Keyes, rocker

1950 - Martha Johnson, Toronto Canada, rocker (M+M)

1969 - Marco Coleman, NFL defensive end (Miami Dolphins, San Diego Chargers)


More Famous Birthdays »


Famous Deaths


1737 - Antonio Stradivari, renowned violin-maker, dies in Cremona Italy at 93

1911 - Alberto Randegger, composer, dies at 79

1973 - Giulio Cesare Brero, composer, dies at 64

1991 - June Storey, actress (South of the Border), dies of cancer at 73

1994 - Heinz Bernard Lowenstein, actor/director, dies at 71

2008 - Mark Felt, the infamous Deep Throat, American FBI official and whistle blower during the Watergate Scandal (b. 1932)


More Famous Deaths »






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