Its safe to say that before I had my own baby, I was a tad obsessed with babies. Even before I started trying for one of my own. I just couldn't get enough of them. You know those people who are too scared to hold newborns and have no idea what to do with them, that's never been me. I'm always the first in line to hold a baby and they usually fall asleep in my arms. So, when my brother and sister in law had a baby I was pretty much holding up a massive placard sign saying FREE BABYSITTER from the moment she was born.
She didn't have the easiest start in life being born six and a half weeks early, but she was still perfect. She spent 17 days in the NICU and I used to go up there every two or three days after work and just sit with her at night time for an hour or so. It was definitely love at first sight with her. I couldn't wait for her to come home so I could babysit her.
At two months old I finally got my chance to look after her overnight. I stayed at my brothers place and looked after her in her own room the first time before taking her back to my place by myself. I still looked after her completely by myself, but it gave us all a bit of a safety net. The first night certainly was an eye opening experience.
I was super paranoid that she'd wake up and I wouldn't hear her. I was so naive. You see in order to have to wake up, you have to actually fall asleep first. Which I never really did. Between the main road traffic outside, the constant paranoia that she'd stop breathing and then physically getting up to check every ten minutes or so that she was breathing, there wasn't really much time for sleep.
Apart from the lack of sleep though I thought I had that shit pretty much down pat. She was sleeping. She was getting fed on time. She was burping. She fell back to sleep after each fed and change. I was pretty much a babysitting god, albeit a tired one. Until about 6 in the morning.
It all started out normal enough. Wake up, warm bottle, feed, burp, change. It was when I took her nappy off that things turned ugly. Welcome to poonami central! I shit you not (pun intended), she had done the biggest poo I had ever seen. She was only two months old (and being six weeks early was about the size of a one month old).
Where in the hell did it all come from?! To top it all off as I was changing her she put her socks in the poo. Then, after I took her socks off, she put her feet in the poo!! This was clearly before I realised holding babies feet while changing them is an important part of the process. Eventually after using seventeen wipes, yes SEVENTEEN, she was finally cleaned up and without socks,
but thats the price you pay if you're going to shove your feet in poo.In order to recover from my introduction into poonami land, we sat on the bed and played together for a bit. Mainly so I could convince myself that she was actually cute and not just a poo spraying devil creature. She thought the whole episode was quite hilarious. Especially when she started farting and then made a funny face at me....
You didn't, did you?!Oh my god you did! Yep ladies and gentlemen within five minutes of producing poonami she decided she wasn't quite done and had another crack at it. Seriously. Where does it all come from?! Needless to say my brother was really happy that I'd looked after her that night and he thought it was just as hilarious as she did.
This post originally appeared on
Finding Myself Young http://ift.tt/eA8V8J
from UK Comedy - The Huffington Post http://ift.tt/1ymXEy5
