Today's Daily Brain Teaser (Oct 01, 2014)

Hit. Der.



What is represented by the following?





Hit. Der.





Check Braingle.com for the answer.

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When skydiver Joan Murray’s parachute failed, she approached the ground at 80 miles…

When skydiver Joan Murray’s parachute failed, she approached the ground at 80 miles (128km) per hour, landing on a mound of fire ants. The shock from being stung over 200 times by the ants released a surge of adrenaline which kept her heart beating, and allowed her to survive.

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An Ohio woman was sentenced to spend a night in the woods…

An Ohio woman was sentenced to spend a night in the woods without food, water and entertainment for abandoning 35 kittens.

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Over 5,000 Amish people travel each year to vacation in “Amish Las Vegas…

Over 5,000 Amish people travel each year to vacation in “Amish Las Vegas”. (Pinecraft, Florida) Use of cellphones and cameras is very common there, and almost everyone uses electricity in their rental homes.

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Ernest Hemingway begged his wife not to send him for more electroshock…

Ernest Hemingway begged his wife not to send him for more electroshock treatments because he lost so much of his memory he couldn’t even remember his own name. He committed suicide the day after his 36th shock treatment.

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Boris Johnson's Brick Defects To Ukip

Boris Johnson’s brick has sensationally defected to Ukip – only hours after its star turn in the hands of the London Mayor at the Tory Party conference in Birmingham.



Releasing a statement on Tuesday evening, the brick said that it was making the switch to the Eurosceptic party as waiting for a Tory referendum on the EU was like “hitting your head against a wall”.



“I’ve had enough of the UK being just another star on someone else’s flag,” it added.



The brick, which had previously denied it was contemplating joining Farage’s far-right outfit, said that David Cameron was “not serious about change” and that Ukip was intent on shaking up Westminster’s “cosy little clique”.



“It’s been a hard decision,” said the brick, “but I know I’ve made the right choice to build a whiter better Britain.”



Boris’ brick becomes the fourth high profile figure to leave the Tory Party in recent weeks following the defections of MPs Mark Reckless and Douglas Carswell, and the former deputy mayor of London Richard Barnes.



Further defections are likely with rumours suggesting the brick will soon be joined in Ukip's ranks by a pair of Rod Liddle’s socks.

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Airline pilots deliberately touch down hard on the runway

Airline pilots deliberately touch down hard on the runway when it’s raining, to minimize aquaplaning.

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There was a fire at Ohio Penitentiary that killed 322…

There was a fire at Ohio Penitentiary that killed 322 and injured 150 inmates. Some guards refused to unlock cells, so inmates overpowered guards and took their keys to rescue other prisoners.

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Chopper Camper

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'Cameron - What Are You Doing?!' The Daily Show's Jon Stewart Is Amazed By The British Debate On Iraq Air Strikes

The House of Commons recently voted to support air strikes on ISIS targets in Iraq - much to Jon Stewart's amazement.



Not that he was surprised that British MPs voted in favour, you understand. More that the debate happened at all.



Check out the segment from Monday night's 'The Daily Show' below - which is worth watching for the George Galloway gag alone...



Watch part one:







Watch part two:











'The Daily Show' airs tonight at 01.10am on Comedy Central Extra

SEE ALSO: Jon Stewart Says 'F*** You' To Fox News

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The Rise of Like

I recently shot a music video for a song called War of Words by the very talented Ella on the Run. If you like catchy electro, check out Ella's earlier track, Golden Boys.



Ella on the Run - Golden Boys



During a packed day of filming I realised that I've come down with a serious affliction: I'm a 'liker'. Likers are people who use the word 'like' in a variety of ways that have nothing to do with a comparison or expressing a fondness for something. I had that Matrix moment of self-awareness when I heard myself saying the words, "I was like, you can't do that."



In this instance I'd replaced the perfectly satisfactory word 'said', with the words 'was like'. Once I'd realised that I was a liker, I caught myself using like in place of a pause. Instead of the dreaded 'er' I was subbing in the equally unattractive like. I found I was also using like as an unnecessary additional word, "So we went to the pub and there was like this guy who had no trousers on." There wasn't like this guy, there was just a guy.



Growing up in North West London, I was often mocked for being moderately well spoken. I don't think I was a defender of the Queen's English, but I certainly never used like as some sort of linguistic condiment, to be sprinkled liberally over every sentence. I wondered when I'd been struck by the affliction and just how far like has spread.



The news isn't good. Like has spread everywhere. Chances are you know a liker. You're probably no more than ten feet from one right now. You could well be a liker yourself. A quick, unscientific straw poll of half-a-dozen friends revealed only one non-liker; my UK manager, who has no time for superfluous words. A movie industry couple are severe likers, using like almost every other word. A well-respected businessman and senior partner in one of the world's largest professional services firms, is a moderate liker. A European musician, who has been living in London less than four years, is another severe liker. Primary school teacher; chronic liker. National journalist; severe liker. If you're a liker, chances are you won't even be aware of it.



Listen to Radio 1 and it's full of likers. Nick Grimshaw is a serious liker. Dev is another big liker. By the way, if you haven't heard his hilarious Strictly fan messaging service for Scott Mills check it out here.



Like is totally mainstream and, because we're deeply impressionable beings, it won't be long before it conquers the nation. None of the people I've spoken to realised they were likers, and most vowed to immediately cure themselves of the affliction. The trouble is it's very hard to undo linguistic programming, particularly when it's taken place without the subject even knowing it.



What really worries me about the rise of like is just how easily it's spread. Language is an expression of thought, and if it's that simple for an unwanted verbal affliction to invade the subconscious of so many people, what other ideas and behaviours might we have caught without realising it?



I'm making a conscious effort to stop mis-liking and am going to try to use the word like properly. For example, I really like this video of Jungle performing live in Bratislava.



Jungle - Live in Bratislava



Of course, that's easy to write. If I was saying it in person it would be like, "I like really like this like video of like Jungle performing like live in like Bratislava." http://ift.tt/eA8V8J



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Big Pimpin’

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Two Office Workers Argue Over Who's Busiest, And It's Frighteningly Familiar

There but for the grace of god...



Yes, if you're a busy office worker with a busy life who's always hearing how 'busy' other people are, all the time, then you'll be able to relate to this sketch by Rubber Republic.



Because, remember: no matter how busy you are, there's no way you're as busy as Samantha Baines and Helen Sorren here. Perhaps we could recommend The Third Metric to them..?



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It's The Great NHS Privatisation Sale!

What are you waiting for, big business? It's the coalition government's great NHS privatisation sale - and everything must go!



(Made for HuffPost UK Comedy by David Schneider and Handface.) http://ift.tt/eA8V8J



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September's Finest, Funniest Fails

If you didn't have the greatest September, fear not: these people probably had a worse one than you.



Because not only did they fail at something, a) they were filmed doing it and b) the resulting clip went viral. And now it's made this compilation by Fail Army. Hurrah!

SEE ALSO: September's Funniest News Bloopers

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Climate Change Sceptics Are as Stupid as Creationists

The 2050 history books will likely feature the following entry:



"Past generations believed that the world was flat, leaches could cure anything, homosexual people shouldn't be married, diets actually worked and that it was fine for overweight people to wear leggings in public. However those fools are nothing compared to the absolute imbeciles who ignored climate change, although it was happening all around them, and that's why we now all live underwater, every meal is seaweed, and there's only three hundred of us left."



On September 21 2014, more than 400,000 people marched in New York, and there were over 2,000 other rallies and demonstrations around the world. All pleading for the global community to finally take this issue seriously.



This was ahead of the UN Climate Summit in New York on Tuesday, September 23 where more than 120 heads of state met, and Leonardo DiCaprio told them all to stop mucking about. He wants to protect the icebergs because his career was started by one, in the film 'Titanic'.



The moment that an actor is lecturing our elected leaders on an issue of global importance because he knows more about it than they do, it's time to start stockpiling foodstuffs and preparing the emergency bunker, because the end is nigh.



This Climate Summit is the first such gathering since the complete waste of time that was the 2009 Copenhagen Climate Conference. Which was basically a showcase for the world's most expensive canapés, cocktails and champagne, and produced nothing but thousands of pages of proclamations on what can be done, should be done and might be done, but years later still absolutely nothing has been done.



The 2014 version is heading in the exact same direction, apart from the added 'YouTube sensation' celebrity speeches that have accumulated a fraction of the views of Nicki Minaj's behind, a near naked Miley Cyrus and a grumpy cat.



Considering all the evidence, anyone who's yet to decide if we do anything about climate change is the drunk driver polishing the hubcaps on his car which currently looks like an accordion, as he's just slammed it into a concrete wall and is waiting for an ambulance.

We laugh at the creationists and rightly so, their beliefs make as much sense as stapling a dead rat to a wooden plank and expecting it to fly a plane.



Their 'evidence' that evolution didn't happen is based on a book of fiction, and consists of a belief that God planted dinosaur bones in the earth in order to test our faith.

Like the climate change deniers, they also have a small amount of professors, scientists and experts who all claim that their beliefs are credible. Also just like the climate change deniers, their evidence is complete garbage.



In the very near future, the effects of climate change will be so disastrous, catastrophic and undeniable, that anyone who still doesn't believe in it will be thought of as crazier than even creationist crazies, scientologists, and anyone who believes that sporting memorabilia is a wise investment.



Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian.

Twitter: @xaviertoby

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Brain Teaser 9/30/2014

1. What is the largest amount of money you can have in coins and still not be able to make change for a dollar?



2. A woman lives in a skyscraper thirty-six floors high and served by several elevators which stop at each floor going up and down. Each morning she leaves her apartment and goes to one of the elevators. Whichever one she takes is three times more likely to be going up than down. Why?



3. Two men were being tried for murder. The jury found one man guilty and the other innocent. The judge turned to the guilty man and said, “Even though your guilt has been established, the law compels me to set you free.” How could such a bizarre judgment occur?

Solution

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We Have Your SLINGO ...Play Today!

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A Cat Is Rescued From A Dirty Swimming Pool. His Cat Pal Isn't Happy About It.

Well, it's nice to know that deep-seated rivalries exist in the animal kingdom too, isn't it?



Just take a look at this clip - which appears to be from Russia and appears to show just such a rivalry.



It also has the magic ingredient of all truly great viral videos: completely natural slapstick. Completely natural animal slapstick, no less. Hurrah!



(Via Nothing To Do With Arbroath)

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10 Brilliant Parody Videos That Are (Probably) Not Illegal Any More

'Street Fighter II: Angry Goats Edition' Is Exactly As Funny As You'd Expect

Wow, the internet has been around a long time and yet no one has gotten around to making a version of Street Fighter II with angry goats instead of the traditional Capcom fighters? How is this state of affairs allowed to exist? We should organise and form a committee to make this happen!



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September's Funniest News Bloopers

From Susanna Reid asking Dan Stevens if he had to "beat men off" to Nicholas Witchell not realising he's live on air, from iPhones being dropped to wrestlers delivering the weather, News Be Funny does what it says on the tin and brings us the best news bloopers of September.



It's worth watching for the last segment alone: the hilarious-slash-embarrassing clip of Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader being interviewed about their new film by a presenter who, erm, hasn't seen it. D'oh!



(Warning: contains slightly NSFW language, thanks to Mike Tyson.) http://ift.tt/eA8V8J



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Four-Year-Old Lola Tries To Sing 'One Day We Went To The Zoo', Can't Quite Master It

Lola may be our new favourite four-year-old. Because, despite her father's best attempts, she can't quite nail the call-and-response part to this song about going to the zoo.



The video ends before she gets it right - which can only lead us to conclude that she never gets it right.



Bless. Her.



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Today in History for 30th September 2014

Historical Events

1922 - Government of Alexandros Zaimis forms in Greece

1941 - 3,721 Jews are buried alive at Babi Yarravine (near Kiev) Ukraine

1949 - Pirates Ralph Kiner hits his 54th HR and NL record 16th in September

1965 - LA Dodger Don Drysdale (23-12) wins 13th straight game, 7 by shutouts

1977 - Philippine political prisoners, Eugenio Lopez, Jr. and Sergio Osmeña III successfully escaped from Fort Bonifacio Maximum Security Prison in the Philippines

2006 - the National Assembly of the Republic of Serbia adopted the Constitutional Act that proclaimed the new Constitution of Serbia.

More Historical Events »

Famous Birthdays

1622 - Johann Sebastiani, composer

1685 - Gunther Jacob Wenceslaus, composer

1934 - Anna Kashfi, Welsh actress

1935 - Johnny Mathis, SF, voclaist (Chances Are, 12th of Never)

1949 - Michel Tognini, Vincennes France, astronaut (Soyuz TM-15, sk: STS 93)

1966 - Kerry G. Johnson, African American graphic designer and caricaturist

More Famous Birthdays »

Famous Deaths

1246 - Yaroslav II of Russia (b. 1191)

1572 - Francis Borgia, 4th Duke of Gandía and Jesuit priest, dies at 61

1985 - Charles F Richter, US seismologist (scale of R), dies at 85

1996 - Frances Lear, writer, dies at 73

2002 - Lord Hazlerigg, British peer

2004 - Gamini Fonseka, Sri Lankan actor (b. 1936)

More Famous Deaths »

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