Tweet Pick: I'm on a new diet where I imagine the face my father made as he ejaculated inside my mother when I was conceived. - @TheNardvark

I'm on a new diet where I imagine the face my father made as he ejaculated inside my mother when I was conceived., http://ifttt.com/images/no_image_card.png

Tweet Pick: My dream woman is an empanada with a vagina. - @Kyle_Lippert

My dream woman is an empanada with a vagina., http://ifttt.com/images/no_image_card.png

Waitress goes out of way to piss off the kitchen staff making her a burger.

Beef burger, hold the lettuce and tomato, extra avocado and mayo. Done.

This carefully worded order ticket deserves to be in a book of obnoxious poetry. We used to work in a restaurant, and probably the most thankless job is making food for the other staff members. So we can imagine this vaguely sexual, intentionally confusing, extremely fattening order inspiring us to not exactly follow food safety recommendations, if you know what we mean (we'd probably just not pick out the nice pieces of avocado).

, http://static.happyplace.com/assets/images/2013/03/51488e9c84d4e.jpg

Portraits drawn over course of LSD trip make LSD seem amazing, terrifying.

"Someone should probably remove the pencils sticking out of that man's face."

Back when the U.S. government was cool with everything except communism, they conducted all sorts of tests on the effects of LSD on people—often without telling people they were being drugged. In one experiment, a man was given an "activity box" full of pencils and crayons and then dosed with LSD. Presumably, the man was already a decent artist or else LSD also has the effect of making you awesome at art. After seeing these, we really want to drop acid for like three hours or so and then have it stop immediately.

, http://static.happyplace.com/assets/images/2013/03/514878adafc38.jpg